Losing Control
by IAmThePoisonedYouth
Summary: Sort of rewrite of the Kolijah scene in 3x16, spoilers if you haven't watched.
One of the most difficult things to come to terms with in this world is loss, whether it'd be a friend or a loved one, or even yourself.

Kol Mikaelson was dreadfully aware of this as he clutched a glass of bourbon in his trembling hand, standing in the bright glare of the sunlight, his thoughts racing frantically through his mind as a swell of self hatred grew within him.

He lifted the glass and sipped from it, the feeling of the fluid slipping down his throat curbing his cravings - for now. He couldn't believe what he had almost done, it was like remembering the memories of a different man, one who _could_ kill his lover, and he was thankful for the smallest bit of denial that stopped him from facing the truest reality - he had almost _murdered_ Davina.

The worst part was that a piece of him _wanted_ to, wanted to give in to the lull of blood calling like a siren's song to his fractured mind. He couldn't deal with this, not on his own.

Sadly, he knew his family were going to side with Finn, the bastard who had _murdered_ him, had sentenced him to die like sending a lamb to the slaughter. He could remember the pain tearing through his body, every inch of him dying, and it kept him always wary until another of his family inevitably betrayed him.

He heard footsteps grow closer, and sensed he wasn't alone, drawing in a deep breath in case it was Finn, his hand tightening around the glass.

"Whatever it is you're planning…" Elijah's voice spoke calmly, and Kol's jaw locked as his eyes flickered downward, " _Don't."_

Kol bitterly stated, "He cursed me to _die,_ Elijah." he looked back up, staring out of the window at the humans down below, so carefree before continuing, "Slowly. _In front of her."_ he took another sip of bourbon, "If nothing else, I owe him for _that."_

"Perhaps." Elijah's voice was soft as he attempted not to agitate his brother, knowing very well what his temper was like. He stepped forward and suggested, "Or perhaps the best revenge is simply to expel him from our lives altogether."

Anger flared up in Kol, and he pivoted around, trying to hold back the growl in his voice as he stepped closer to Elijah, "No. Oh, he doesn't get to live happily ever after!"

Elijah raised his hand to silence him, "I haven't made my final decision yet, I only ask you stay your hand."

Kol almost laughed aloud, knowing that if it was _Niklaus_ or _Rebekah,_ then Elijah would've eagerly chosen them over the man who attempted (and succeeded on one count) to kill his siblings.

" _That's not your decision to make!"_ Kol snarled, unable to hold back his vampiric visage as he squeezed the glass so tightly it shattered in his palm.

Elijah looked slightly unnerved, pointing at Kol almost accusatively and then commanding, "Control yourself."

Suddenly, with a burst of speed and a roar tinged with pure fury, Kol cleared objects off a table, each landing on different sides of the room with a clatter. The younger vampire's shoulders rose and fell in almost panicked breaths as he tried to gain back his restraint.

Elijah looked rather shocked as he stepped back from Kol's path of destruction, noting, "Unless you can't."

Concern swelled up within him, and as much as he hated seeing Kol like this, he didn't understand what to do, so let him calm down for a couple of seconds, noticing tears well up in his eyes.

Kol avoided Elijah's gaze as he confessed, "It's worse than I remember… the rage…" his voice filled with heartbreak as he added, " _The hunger."_

Elijah felt an overwhelming urge to protect his brother rising in his gut and took a step forward, still keeping his distance in case Kol didn't want his comfort.

Kol's broken monologue continued, "I'd like to blame my anger on Finn," he grew the confidence to look up, "But it's been growing worse since I came back." His legs suddenly felt wobbly, the room shrinking around him and he knew he had to sit down, and did so, adding, "I never did learn how to keep it in check." He cursed himself for his next words, "I never really cared to."

"But now you do." Elijah spoke sympathetically.

Kol's voice broke, "I couldn't live with myself if I hurt Davina." the guilt reached it's apex inside him and spilled out over his cheeks, his thoughts screaming inside that he wasn't good enough for her, she wouldn't love such a monster. He continued, heartbroken, "But hurting the ones we love, whether we mean to or not, that's just what we do, isn't it?"

Elijah moved closer to him, reaching out and touching his shoulder as tenderly as possible as he nodded, "It is who we are."

"Well, I don't want to be." Kol sighed, trying to wipe away the tears only for more to come, "I just want to be with _her._ I love her, Elijah."

The elder huffed, then moved to kneel in front of Kol, cupping his cheek comfortingly, "I know, Kol. I know. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you don't have to do it alone."

"You're siding with Finn." Kol practically spat out the _bastard's_ name, looking down.

Elijah felt his own guilt flare up as he made Kol look at him, "Hey. Kol, look at me. Don't you ever, _ever_ think I would choose that beast over you." He wiped away the stray tears running down Kol's cheeks, "You are my brother, Kol. Always and forever, remember?"

"Y-Yeah." Kol nodded, "Always and forever."

Elijah surged upwards and forwards, pulling Kol into a tight hug, carding his fingers through his brother's hair, finally allowing himself to feel the utter joy that he was alive again.

"You don't have to do this alone." He mumbled into Kol's neck.

Kol gave a small nod, pulling away from the hug, "Thank you, Elijah."

"Of course." The elder smiled, "Now, dry your eyes, I believe we have a brother to deal with."

Kol scoffed, "Don't we always?"


End file.
